Meet Lil Bitch, Jr.
Of course she's a Jr because she has a predecessor, my old mp4 player that has gone delirious. If you're wondering why I named them Lil Bitch, and Lil Bitch, Jr - it's a little homeage to Cam Gigandet's character on The O.C., Kevin (if you remembered him, he was the nutjob badass who got Marissa killed) who screeched the Cohen's SUV with "Lil Bitch". Bad. Ass. And I had a huge crush on him back then, so that will explain a whole lot of it.

Anyway. That's Lil Bitch, Jr. And I lost her.

I hate myself for that right now. :( I lost 300+ songs, and I know it's not much for many of my friends who has like around a thousand songs on their iPods, but not for me. I've always been picky with songs. I mean, I don't limit myself to an exclusive genre, I listen to whatever. What matters to me is the lyrics of the song and how it means to me. I just don't download songs because they're cool, or cause they're on top of the charts. I don't fall into that bandwagon. I actually prefer songs that don't have much airtime, songs from artists most people haven't heard of yet, songs from artist's albums that didn't go as big as the other singles or the classics. Another reason for that is, I don't like downloading songs that are frequently on radio since I easily get tired of listening getting repeated over and over again.

Bottomline, those songs were like, carefully chosen and just having them lost like that.. is heartbreaking.

One more thing about Lil Bitch, Jr is - it WAS not mine. We found it in the package my aunt left with all the things she didn't want to bring back to New Jersey. That player used to be the last thing my Lola loved listening to when she was in the hospital, weeks before she died - when her consciousness and state of mind was still better. I didn't initially want to use that player when I saw it, but the old one broke, and I thought my Lola wouldn't mind - she loved sharing things with us, anyway. But I lost it. I FREAKING LOST IT. I feel so guilty right now, like every time I think of it, it's like there's this heavy weight pulling my chest.

And I'm not even sure how I lost it. It took time for me to realize that I haven't seen it for some time. Last time I remembered using it was when I realized it has been turned on for the past 5 hours, so I turned it off and shoved it into my cabinet. But I wasn't sure if it was really the last time I used it, it was just the last time I remembered using it. I wasn't using it a lot since I got my two pairs of earphones (yes, both pairs for my laptop and player - altogether) destroyed, and although Lil Bitch can still play music with it's tiny speakers, I preferred using the earphones, especially in school, so I think I wasn't bringing it out a lot - which made me think that I prolly just lost it here in my room, so I tried to declutter, but to no avail. Still no Lil Bitch, Jr. :(((

I remember one incident though. I was arriving a school, and as I stepped down the car, I heard a small thud on the ground, as if something fell. I tried to look back, and didn't see anything so I just went on with going inside the campus. And now that I'm thinking about it, that thud was probably my Lil Bitch, Jr. Although I really could not remember bringing her that time, it can still be possible. I mean, it hasn't been the first time I lost something from going out the car and not caring what was on my lap as I step down. I lost my phone in the exact same manner, some time ago in high school, too. *Sighs. But again, I'm not 100% sure, although something inside me tells me that that was the last sound I was gonna hear from her, ever again.

This is so depressing. :( Why do I need to be so careless?? I haven't told my parent's about it yet. My father's probably gunna get disappointed, but reallyyyyyyyy - UGH. :( I hate me for losing it. I suck.

But I'm still hopeful it comes out of no where sometime. I really really hope so. :-((( Huhuhu.
I'm sorry Lil B. :( I'm sorry I'm so careless. I'd hate me, too if I were you. Please come home! :(

This is a really depressing post (for me, that is. IDK with you, reader. You'd probably not care, anyway.) :( Screw this. And screw the fact that for the past month, the only things I have been listening to is the 4 songs that I was yet to put to my player (I delete files from my laptop to loosen memory space) - on fucking infinite repeatttt!!